By Michael J. Kline
​
This is usually a gift I wish I could return or exchange for store credit. Most of us can accept compliments, (even if we swallow it with a little doubt or self-criticism). Some of us can accept suggestions. One or two of us can bend our minds around a completely new idea.
 
But when it comes to criticism, that’s where most of us shut the door and hang up the “closed” sign. After all, who wants to hear the sentences that begin with, “You want to know what your problem is?” or “If only you would just change (fill in the blank) about yourself”? Maybe your coach friends soften it with something like” would you be open to a little feedback?”
 
Few people learn how to accept (or give) criticism gracefully as they are growing up. Many may have been criticized harshly or told things for their “own good” that were hurtful rather than helpful. We learn to dread anything that seems judgmental or critical.
 
Criticism is just another form of feedback. And everything is feedback. If we can learn to truly listen to the feedback about ourselves, we open the door to possibility. Learning to accept and use feedback can be one of the most constructive and profound tools to change ourselves and improve our relationships with others. Not only can we learn more about who we are and how others see us, but we may also learn that it’s okay not to be perfect. And, as a bonus, we may learn that people will love us anyway, warts and all. If you’re like me, you might already be saying “easier said than done” and you’re right.
 
Feedback as Opportunity
 
Bernie Siegel, author and physician writes that criticism is an opportunity to become a better person. “When you feel inadequate or imperfect, criticism is threatening and makes you feel that you have to defend yourself. When you are secure—not perfect, but secure—you can listen to the criticism and consider its value.”
 
Byron Katie, author of Loving What Is, calls criticism “a powerful tool for self-realization and growth.” She suggests that when we are criticized for being wrong, unkind, uncaring, etc., we should ask ourselves if the criticism is true. If we can accept the truth without stress or pain, we free ourselves from trying to hide who we are from others. We know our faults and we accept them and, therefore, criticism from others cannot hurt us. “When you are genuinely humble, there is no place for criticism to stick,” she writes.
 
Sound good, but in real life, it’s too much? Feel free to jump to the bottom of this article, if you’re over it!
 
 
Learning from Our Children
 
Parents are often among the most criticized group of people. Their parenting choices are targeted by relatives, other parents, strangers and parenting “experts.” And when their children are old enough to speak, they join in the chorus! But of all the voices, it may be our children who offer us the most valuable feedback because they see us at our most vulnerable and unguarded. Children—especially teens—will tell us exactly what they think, in unadorned, sometimes painfully honest, language. If we are able as parents to drop our authority roles and our belief that we know better because we are older/wiser/better, we can learn some awe-inspiring truths about ourselves. (And yes, it will hurt at times!) By doing this, we also model the art of accepting criticism—a valuable skill for our children as they grow up.
 
Questions to Ask Yourself
 
Don Powell, Ph.D, of the American Institute for Preventive Medicine writes that sometimes criticism—the right kind of criticism—is just what we need to make important changes. In an AIPM handbook, Dr. Powell outlines the following questions to ask yourself when working with criticism:

1. Does the criticism seem reasonable? Is there some truth to what was said? (Perhaps you
   should pay attention to the remark.)
2. Have I been criticized by other people on the same issue? (If so, maybe it warrants attention.)
3. Does the person making the critical remark know what he or she is talking about? (If he or she is a self-appointed critic-at-large, ignore the remark.)
4. Was the remark really directed at me, or was the critic venting general frustration, anger, or bitterness at something over which I have no control? (If criticism stems from general dissatisfaction, let it slide.)

w  Is the criticism based on a difference of opinion? (If so, don’t overreact.)
 
Once you decide that there is some truth to the feedback, you are on the path to taking positive steps to make changes in your behavior or outlook. Being able to hear and absorb criticism without anger or defensiveness helps make the path that much smoother.
 
When the defensiveness feels too strong, or when you feel certain it’s not safe or warranted, then there is likely a deeper root cause. The issue isn’t so much the criticism, as it is the safety and confidence that would make it okay to receive. Sometimes, I’ve just felt too vulnerable to take anymore feedback.
 
At the RIM Institute, we teach how to dip beneath logic, using body awareness and spontaneous imagination to dissolve the root cause of the issue. We find there is often a pain buried and forgotten that’s too deep for the thinking mind to talk it’s way out of how it feels. You’re not broken, you’re human and we all have these experiences. I’d be honored to help you dip beneath your logic to easily dissolve the root cause. We want you free and happy!
 
Michael J. Kline is a Master Trainer, Retreat Leader and Firekeeper. You can often find him teaching emotional processing skills like RIM (Regenerating Images in Memory), training transformational trainers, or hosting a retreat at Con Smania in Costa Rica. Otherwise, he’s at home in Sarasota FL, with his husband of 34 years, and their labradoodle Luke. You can reach him through his website www.michaeljkline.com or e-mail [email protected]
 
 
 
Author’s content used under license, © Claire Communications

By Michael J. Kline

Sharon thinks she’d be happy if she could just change her weight, her looks and her job. Mark believes that he’s an okay guy except for certain personality traits, such as anxiety, impatience and a quick temper. Yolanda’s shelves are bulging with self-improvement books; she’s read them all, but she still hates herself.
 
Who among us doesn’t believe that with a little tweaking, we could be just right—self-realized, self-actualized and self-helped to just short of perfection? The problem is that all the books, self-improvement tips and positive affirmations don’t seem to make us any happier. Worst of all, the minute we “fix” one ugly piece of ourselves, another nasty monster rears its head and starts screaming for attention.
 
When does self-help become self-hell? What would happen if we simply started by realizing how wonderful we already are?
 
“Believing that something is wrong with us is a deep and tenacious suffering,” writes Tara Brach, in her book, Radical Acceptance. “The more we anxiously tell ourselves stories about how we might fail or what is wrong with us or with others, the more we deepen the grooves—the neural pathways—that generate feelings of deficiency.” She lists common ways people try to manage this pain of inadequacy:
 
•  Tackling one self-improvement project after another.
 
•  Holding back and playing safe rather than risking failure.
 
•  Withdrawing from our experience of the present moment.
 
•  Keeping busy.
 
•  Being our own worst critics.
 
•  Focusing on other people’s faults.
 
 “Convinced that we are not good enough, we can never relax,” Brach writes. “We stay on guard, monitoring ourselves for shortcomings. When we inevitably find them, we feel even more insecure and undeserving. We have to try even harder.”
 
Accepting ourselves does not mean self-indulgence or being passive. Rather it means turning off the shameful, negative, self-loathing tapes within ourselves and just relaxing.
 
The blaring voices of our culture certainly don’t help, with promises that buying something, owning something, achieving something will make us better people, that success is measured by looks, wealth or possessions. A healthier life finds deeper meaning and greater satisfaction in self-love, compassion, intuition, taking responsibility and forgiveness (particularly of ourselves).
 
Sometimes it is our so-called faults that can actually lead us to a healthier life. Pioneering psychologist Carl Jung called it our “shadow side,” that part in all of us we are ashamed of and that we often reject. Understanding and accepting that shadow side can lead to enormous freedom and self-acceptance.
 
In the end, all the energy we put out to change ourselves may just take us back to where we started—to ourselves. And if we can truly accept ourselves as we are, that’s the best place to be.
 
Seven Ideas to Improve your Self Love 

1. Mirror work – You can look online to find lots of ways to do this - some simple, some more complex, some naked, some not – here’s all I do: Make eye contact with the mirror – address yourself by name and congratulate yourself in any way that feels right for you, for all the good things done today. Anything and everything. Just the positives - no “that coulda been better” crap - you’re not your parents! Add in any disciplines you kept – You refused the second glass of wine, and you got your steps in… whatever.  And end with a simple “I love you”. If that’s hard, pretend it’s just words and do it anyway, even if it feels weird or judged or impossible. Try this every night for a month and watch it change your life.
2. Picture of your child self – when I thought of my childhood, I felt shame and embarrassment. I never thought of myself as being particularly lovable. Now I have a picture of my 6 year old self on my desk and I give him a little love every time I see it. Of course you were lovable!  Every child is, and that includes you and me.
3. Surround yourself with more positive people – It’s said you’re the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with. I know I have chameleon qualities and can easily let myself get caught up in negativity. Wherever you can, choose better friends/job/family/church/community. Just know that the part of the negativity that is yours, will still be there after you move somewhere new.
4. Gratitude Journal – Nothing raises your vibration more quickly or easily than a state of gratitude. What are you grateful for today? Reflect on all the blessings you have as you go to sleep. And have a better sleep as an extra bonus.
5. Pretend meditate – most people I talk to say they can’t meditate. So pretend. Sit still, be quiet. How hard can it be? I sat in a ten-day silent meditation retreat, where I spent many hours beating myself up for thinking and then beating myself up for beating myself up. I learned to welcome the thoughts that come in. Just thank them for being so helpful in life – we love our thinking brain. Just notice the thoughts come, and notice them leave then notice them sneak back in – aren’t they cute, how they do that?!
6. Love your faults – I get lost in strategic thinking when I want to be more in flow and creativity. As a child, strategic thinking and navigating rough waters was how I survived. It was a gift, that still works in business to a point. Like any strength, when exaggerated, it gets in the way. It can destroy relationships, remove feelings and compassion, and even stop creative new ideas from emerging. I have learned to celebrate the gift and remind it to take a back seat. Then I close my eyes and allow spirit/energy to flow and approach life from a different, wiser place. What characteristics and gifts did you create a long time ago that now get in the way?
7. Change your emotional past – most psychologists say you can’t change your past. They mean well, they just haven’t learned all that’s possible thanks to new discoveries in neuroplasticity. The nervous system allows us to regenerate new emotional memories and change the fear-based learning of the past. This is the core of the work we do, teach and study at the RIM Institute. (RIM: Regenerating Images in Memory).

 
Author’s content used under license, © Claire Communication

​Coaching the Subconscious
By Michael J. Kline – Master Certified RIM Practitioner & Trainer
 
Coaching the subconscious is not complicated as it may sound. Since 95% of our brain activity lives beneath the surface of awareness, it would make sense to go right to the source of all blocks, pain, and suffering.
 
Whether we are talking about coaching or therapy, the model has always been helping people shift their perspective, reframe a situation, shine a new light, and ask the right questions. All this activity is working with conscious awareness. We tend to work in the so-called thinking brain, while emotions live elsewhere in the subconscious mind and body. Therefore, we cannot think our way out of blocks. fear, anxiety, trauma, and so on.
 
The neuroscience is here. We now know that decisions and behavior are directed by a lifetime of past experiences and live beneath the surface of conscious awareness, out of reach of the 5% of the brain where we have easy access. We can ask all the perfect and powerful questions and let the client talk about an issue endlessly and help give rise to see things differently which is certainly helpful, but it doesn’t resolve the issue at a visceral level, or even tell us whether or not we’re working on the most important issue/s.
 
For example, you have a client who tells you they can’t seem to follow through on business projects that would certainly propel their sales effort. The question is, what’s really and truly blocking them? Most likely the client has exhausted all the thinking, analyzing, and strategizing and still can’t find a solution. That’s why they seek your help.
 
What if the answer lies in the client’s past and is stuck in their subconscious? What if their father, family, friends, or teachers told them repeatedly that they will never become anything, never succeed, and a host of other negative possibilities? The client may even be aware of some of these experiences repeating silently in their head. Even if the client tries to convince themselves and says, “I’ll show them all.” Regardless, the mind is a funny thing. The client may also think, “what if they’re right, I’m such a loser, I’ll never make it on my own.”
 
I worked with a client who thought this was his story, only to find out that beneath the surface, was a resistance to out-shining Dad. This client had just broken the threshold in his career to make more money than his father ever did, and while doing work his father didn’t understand or respect. That was a subconscious block that had never been revealed. No matter how much we explored, we may have never gotten to the real sabotaging issue.  By following what showed up in the client’s body-sensing and dipping beneath the surface, it revealed itself and was completely resolved in a single session. This method or tool I’m referring to is called RIM (Regenerating Images in Memory).
 
The possibilities are endless, and could take a lifetime of talking about it, to find the root issue, let alone heal it. We need to create a safe space where the client can sense what’s beneath the surface – in RIM we call it the dip/see/do method – we dip beneath the surface to see what’s there, then we can act and do something to resolve it. This is not hypnosis or guided imagery, because it only works when it’s generated by the client’s own imagination that spontaneously comes forth while sensing their experiences in their body, not the limited thinking brain. RIM always trusts the subconscious for the real answers.
 
RIM is the best combination of skills I’ve found, that allows all this to happen. RIM does have some skills in common with Interactive Guided Imagery, and Somatic work, along with numerous unique skills discovered by Dr Deborah Sandella.
 
Dr Deb (as we call her) has a Doctorate in Human Communication and a Masters in Psychiatric Nursing. During the first 25 years of her career, she worked in a myriad of mental health settings from intensive services to private practice, and in two innovative cutting-edge inpatient community-based programs. As an award-winning therapist, University Professor, and a Best-selling author, she’s the whole package.  Dr. Deb initially synthesized aspects of Interactive Guided Imagery, Somatic techniques, and other skills she found effective. RIM has evolved “through” her rather than “from” her as she humbly describes, it has developed a life of its own as a revolutionary whole-brain way of naturally processing stuck emotions.  And neuroscience now confirms what she’s been teaching for decades.
 
I think the real genius of her discovery, is the use of imagination to connect the thinking brain with the body. We can use the body as a portal to that which is hidden (not in conscious awareness), then allow imagination to make it tangible for the thinking brain to work with it. The result is nothing less than miraculous. By coaching directly where the issues live, my clients report that they don’t just feel better, or have new insights – they feel completely different and fully empowered to move their life forward.

By Michael Kline

From the title, you might be guessing that I’m making clever use of some metaphors to make decisions. Well, only kinda-sorta. Yes, they are great metaphoric images, and these were the actual visions that came up for me recently while deciding on a new company name. Have you ever found yourself ruminating over a simple decision? It’s common, and we don’t have to waste days, weeks, or months or forever not making a decision.

I knew it was time to change. My company started as Kline Seminars, which fit for a while. Six years later it changed to Intus Personal & Group Transformation. The goal was to make it not all about me, but I never fell in love with the new name. My mind was spinning. Endless questions ran through my mind. Should I be the brand? Will others want to partner with me on projects under just my name? Does it need to clearly indicate what I actually do? Should I make it more colorful and playful like me? Should it be more serious and grounded like my work? Should it be more feminine? Masculine? Round? Oval? Artistic? Should I include a subtle fire image or is that too woo-woo? I’m guessing you appreciate getting lost in what seems like a simple decision. After two days of spinning, my husband was bored with the topic and tells me it doesn’t matter – just pick one! The truth is, no one can choose but me.

Lucky for me, I have friends with excellent processing skills. So, as I was stuck in circular thinking, my friend Coco says, “let’s try something different – close your eyes”.  Since I was the one who taught her this skill, I felt a little like a parent being coached by their teenager, but I begged my ego to take a back seat as I welcomed the help. Coco skillfully guided me through some body sensing to get me out of my ego/thinking mind. Let’s call him Thinker. She knows that Thinker has no access to the emotions that are keeping me stuck, and that my gut already knows the answer. So, let’s go there, she says.

Through body sensing, I found the energy of my indecision in my solar plexus – my imagination gave it the form of a blue sphere, spinning fast. As I sat with it for a while, it morphed into different shapes and kept spinning until I noticed I could shape it myself just by moving my hands around it. Finally, it became like a decorative blown-glass vase, still a swirling mix of blues and yellows, with lots of slopes and curves. I tell Thinker to stop applying meaning to the colors and trust the process. Coco invites me to move into the blown glass, and I imagined myself being two inches tall, sitting on the side slope of this giant jar, looking down at the edge of what seemed like a cliff over an abyss. As a former skier, my body held its breath as I visualized the earth disappearing over the edge, not knowing what, if anything was beyond the bottom of my swooping slope.

As I looked across to the other side of the glass vase, I could see a cliff with a mountain towering into the clouds behind it. I could see hundreds of blue butterflies flying around a crowd of minions. They were all very busy, as I heard Thinker judge this as crazy and pointless. After all, how is this going to help me choose a company name?! I know that creativity comes from weird places, and even though I do this type of work for a living, I admit that my own ego is alive and well judging the things that show up in my head. And I know that’s normal and okay.

As I drifted back into the scene, I noticed a group of minions and butterflies had flown over to me and were outfitting me with wings and a flying suit. As I look down my slope, I noticed it was shaped like a giant water slide, dropping almost straight down, then swooping up to launch me high into the air… over a vast emptiness. A minion handed me a skateboard and told me to lie on it on my stomach and roll down the slope head-first to launch and I can fly. Oddly, I find this exciting and fun, and I can’t wait!

So, I launch, and now I’m flying and flying… and eventually, I fly over to the ledge with all the minions and butterflies. As I land, they welcome me with open arms. It’s clear they want me as their leader, and it’s clear I have no idea what to do with that. I’m not one of them, how will I lead them?! Then a wizard appears – he looks a little like Gandolf, but Thinker says that’s a cliché, so we won’t name him that.  Then I realize he is an old, wise version of me, or perhaps my inner wizard. Fine, cliché it is, we’ll call him Wizard-Me. Magically, I’m now wearing a minion costume. The costume doesn’t fit me at all, and the minions all laugh at my arms and legs sticking out. With a knowing exchange of glances with Wizard-Me, I remove the costume and agree to join the minions heading up the mountain. Wizard-Me leads the way through steep, narrow, snow-covered passages, with a long line of minions following, then me in the middle, and many more minions bringing up the rear. Judge it as you will, I read the books and saw the movies, and still, we’re allowing the cliché!

When we finally make our way to a plateau, Thinker is ready for some answers – are we ever going to resolve my company name? Instantly, the minions set up a creative problem-solving workshop. Thinker reminds me that I recently presented at the Florida Creativity Conference, where everyone was a workshop leader armed with sticky notes, image cards, and colored markers. Just like at the conference, the minions start placing sticky notes on poster paper. They were clearly having a blast brainstorming lots of ideas, none of which would relieve me from owning my own identity. They didn’t want me to become one of them. The playful energy of the minions was to create something that was uniquely my brand, something that spoke my name and kept it simple enough for me to continue to expand, grow, and be creative in what I do and how I do it.

I realized that human me got the message and was ready to leave, so Wizard Me agreed to stay with the minions and butterflies and they will continue to work behind the scenes for me on whatever I need.

So after only about 15 minutes in this experience, I had a decision. I opened my eyes and returned to my computer and Thinker registered the name Kline Training Group, LLC.

The technique used is called RIM (Regenerating Images in Memory). RIM is a system of evidence based skills that allow us to quickly tap into the magic of our “two minds”, or our mind- body connection. It taps into the subconscious language of metaphor and imagery that easily accesses the emotions, intuition, and resourcing to which our left-brain, intellectual mind (Thinker) simply has no access. It can be used in deepening creativity, identifying, and dissolving limiting beliefs, releasing stuck emotions, and even healing trauma.

​Michael J. Kline is a Master Trainer, Retreat Leader and Firekeeper. You can often find him teaching RIM (Regenerating Images in Memory), or assisting Jack Canfield, training transformational trainers, or hosting a retreat at Con Smania in Costa Rica. Otherwise, he’s at home in Sarasota FL, with his husband of 34 years, and their labradoodle Luke. You can reach him through his website www.michaeljkline.com or e-mail [email protected]

By Colleen Sorensen

​Creating a syllabus for my college course is an expectation. It is basically a contract between the professor and students as to how the course will flow and how the grades will be assessed. I have been creating syllabi for nearly 25 years. What is newer to me is creating a “Guidelines and Agreements” contract. It establishes how we are going to show up and behave while in a collective learning space together. This is a separate document that I go over line by line during the first week of class, while I just reference the syllabus for the students to review on their own time. 
 
Why do I take precious class time to review a “Guidelines and Agreements” document that could easily be read outside of class?  Because this document is my first step to creating safety for my students and myself in how we will behave together during the semester. Creating safety…I didn’t realize until 17 years into my teaching that it was my job to establish an emotional safe space in my classroom. No one ever discussed the importance of or how to “create a safe space” with me.  If teachers had been doing that in my student experience, I was oblivious to it. 
 
In 2016, I discovered Jack Canfield, Creator of Chicken Soup for the Soul and The Success Principles, and took some coursework in Jack’s teaching philosophy, called “The Canfield Methodology”. Within his Train the Trainer program, I started hearing phrases like “gradients of safety” and “creating a safe space for my students”.  Ummm…hello! Why have I never heard these terms before? I was a good teacher, I had good reviews from my students, yet something was drawing me in, inviting me to consider this new idea of taking a conscious look at my teaching style, my classroom, and asking myself if my students really felt safe during our 75 min/2x per week for 16 weeks together. That’s 2400 minutes that I have with these young adults, that is a lot of opportunity to create a space of safety that encourages growth, a sense of belonging, and a place where one always feels welcomed! 
 
Some of the things in my G&A document include statements like: 

• Be on time & prepared
• Be Present and play full out
• Attend all sessions and complete course unless otherwise negotiated with the class
• Communicate any upsets/concerns to the facilitator, not other students
• Put technology away until it is needed for an activity or break
• Minimal side talking
• Ask for what you need
• No one gets to be wrong
• No unsolicited advice
• Do not share other’s experiences without their permission

 
I spend time explaining and discussing what each line means…especially the last one about sharing other’s experiences without their permission. I encourage lots of discussion within the group throughout this process and in the end, I have each person acknowledge their overall agreement, while also identifying any push back from anyone to discover a win-win.  Also, I follow a cardinal rule of never mentioning my intention of creating a “safe space”.  How my students feel is completely up to them, not me.  By saying something like “this is a safe space” or “this classroom is intended to be a safe space”... those words feel 
 
Within one or two semesters of adding a G&A contract in my classroom, I noticed some new comments I had never seen before on my open-ended feedback questions at the end of the semester. I ask two questions:

1. What did you enjoy most or find yourself talking about most from our classroom experience?
2. If you could change anything about this course, what would it be?

 
Responses to these questions started including words and phrases about feeling safe. Students were sharing that they had never felt safe to share their true thoughts and opinions until this class.  I was floored! I never once said or discussed the topic of “emotional safety” with my students. I never mentioned my goal of creating a safe space, yet my students recognized it and of anything they could share about their experience, they chose to talk about feeling safe in my classroom for their final feedback to me. 
 
I have learned to never underestimate what a G&A document can do to help me create emotional safety in a classroom or workshop setting. It’s not a stand alone guarantee, it needs to be followed up with additional skills that will be discussed in other articles, yet it is always the place I start as my first steps towards creating an emotionally safe space for my students and workshop participants. 
 
What works for you to establish emotional safety and what have your challenges been?  I would love to hear from you!

Colleen Moon Sorensen is a teacher, trainer, and efficiency strategist. You can often find her teaching courses on the Success Principles and The 7 Habits, or facilitating RIM and coaching sessions, assisting Jack Canfield, training transformational trainers, or partnering with my fellow Canfield trainers on projects around the globe. Otherwise, she’s at home in Salem, UT, with her husband, hiking with her 2 working class dogs, or playing with one of her 4 children or 4 grandchildren. You can reach her at [email protected]

​We know that children are very impressionable, yet adults teach children all sorts of beliefs that can forever negatively affect their lives, without realizing it and not even knowing if what they are teaching is true. When I speak of adults, I’m referring to any adult in a child’s life - parents, relatives, friends, teachers, movies, video games, news media, and the general population.

Imagine being told that you can’t do anything right, why can’t you be like your sister, you’ll never amount to anything, you’re hard to love, and countless other things, day in and day out, for years. At age seven, my aunt and uncle adopted me out of my biological father’s junkyard. My aunt/new mother would often threaten to send me back to the junkyard, saying things like “you can take the boy out of the junkyard, but you can’t take the junkyard out of the boy”. I know it sounds terrible, and yet I’ve heard much worse things from clients and retreat participants. Then we wonder why kids grow up believing that they are not enough.

Somehow, most of us survive childhood, get through school, and get a job or start a business. We try to use positive thinking, mindset work, read self-help books, go to seminars, take classes, join 12 step programs, and learn lots of coping skills to help us get through. We may end up successful in the eyes of many, however, deep down where no one else can see, we still believe all that stuff that we’ve been told. Perhaps in your thinking mind, you even convinced yourself that you’ve moved past it. Still, deep down something still slowly eats at you or holds you back.

You might wonder if they were right about me, am I a fraud, am I really good enough? Some fine examples about our beliefs and self-doubt are famous speakers, writers, actors, etc. At her now famous Harvard commencement speech, Oprah Winfrey talked about her 35,000 interviews with very successful people. She explained that every single one of them, including past presidents and even Beyonce, asked her after the lights and cameras were off, “How was that, was that ok?”

Are we ever satisfied with our belief about ourselves? Can we really believe that there’s a truth about anything? For every person that believes X and they believe that it is absolutely true, you can find someone that believes the opposite is absolutely true. Byron Katie says to question everything. Since we’ve been convinced about X and believe it’s true, and we tell other people that we believe X, does it make it so?

Beliefs about anything whether it’s about self, other people, or the world, are simply mental constructs (the thinking brain) based on our personal experiences, nothing more. What’s even crazier is the fact that these mental beliefs (thoughts) are often incongruent with what we feel deep down, where no one else can see.

Our thinking mind and our emotional mind/body don’t speak the same language. In fact, our emotional mind/body is non-verbal. It communicates through images, metaphor, emotions, feelings, which are felt in the body and completely inaccessible to the thinking mind. That’s why what you think and what you feel may be entirely different. The thinking mind is about language, words, thoughts, and figuring things out, but it can’t think its way out of our feelings.

Dr Deborah Sandella, the creator of RIM (Regenerating Images in Memory) and author of “Goodbye Hurt & Pain” discovered how to partner with the thinking mind with the emotional mind/body. As a closed eye process, RIM allows for a client to enter a state of hyper awareness where the emotional mind leads the process. Through spontaneous imagination, the client generates their own personal experience, giving form to whatever shows up, making emotions tangible to the thinking mind. While the thinking mind is processing what now appears to be tangible, the client can easily dip beneath the surface to see what is really there, and to work with it in a visceral way to release the old stuck emotions that have been driving the show.

Dr. Candace Pert, (author of Molecules of Emotions, and considered the mother of Psychoneuroimmunology) said, “by bringing awareness to past conditioning - the memories stored in the very receptors of our cells, - we can release ourselves from stuckness. We free ourselves to see and act on that seeing.”
​
This is a big step forward in the evolution of mind and body. Beliefs are just thoughts we keep on thinking. None of them can be proven to be true. So, if you or your clients are stuck, traumatized, or are experiencing incongruent thoughts and feelings, I invite you to learn more about RIM. Here are some helpful links. More about RIM.  Purchase RIM Session Packages.  RIM Essentials Training. In just 4 days of live experiential training with an intimate group, you will learn 15 RIM skills to rapidly help clients identify and dissolve their biggest root issues/blocks. We’ll also support you through the first three months of practice sessions and into your future as a member of the RIM community. 

Pleasing others - who would find fault with that? It’s a good thing to consider the needs of others and to be nice, right? Let’s not confuse niceness with kindness. For many, the desire to please becomes an addictive need to please, even at the expense of their own health and happiness. It takes a toll on health, relationships, and quality of life, and it drowns out the inner voice that may be trying to protect us from overdoing it.
 
“As a people-pleaser, you feel controlled by your need to please others and addicted to their approval,” writes Harriet B. Braiker, Ph.D., in The Disease to Please. “At the same time, you feel out of control over the pressures and demands on your life that these needs have created.”
 
Take this quiz to see whether you can benefit from learning to say no to others more often—and yes to yourself.
 
1. I put others’ needs before my own, even at a cost to me and my own happiness.
 
2. If someone needs my help, I can’t say no. I often find it difficult to say no, and feel guilty when I do.
 
3. I often try to be who others want me to be, to agree with them, to fit in.
 
4. I keep my own needs and problems to myself; I don’t want to burden others with them.
 
5. It’s my job to make sure everyone else is happy.
 
6. I always have a smile on my face and an upbeat attitude, even if I feel sad or angry or hurt.
 
7. I go out of my way to avoid conflict and confrontation; it’s better just to keep the peace.
 
8. I am often on the go, rushing to get things done. When I take a moment for myself, I feel selfish, indulgent and guilty.
 
9. I should always be nice and never hurt others’ feelings.
 
10. I’ll do whatever it takes to get someone to stop being mad at me.
 
11. I hold back from saying what I really think or from asking for what I want if I think someone will be upset with me for it.
 
12. I feel like a failure if I’ve displeased anyone.
 
13. I will change my behavior, at my own expense, to make others happy.
 
14. I spend a lot of time doing things for others, but almost never ask anyone to do things for me.
 
15. I don’t often ask people for help, if they really wanted to help, they would offer without my asking.
 
If you answered True more often than False, you may need support in saying Yes to yourself! The motivations for being a people pleaser are usually quite unconscious.
 
The good news is, uncovering and healing childhood wounds that usually underly the problem is easier than we used to think. We don’t need to dig into all the old stories to easily identify the root cause/issue.
 
We now know that emotional memories are stored in the body, and we can use somatic sensing to easily reveal and regenerate those old stuck emotions. We can free ourselves of the unconscious programming of people pleasing and other patterns.
 
Michael J. Kline is a Master Trainer, Retreat Leader and Firekeeper. You can often find him teaching emotional processing skills like RIM (Regenerating Images in Memory), or assisting Jack Canfield, training transformational trainers, or hosting a retreat at Con Smania in Costa Rica. Otherwise, he’s at home in Sarasota FL, with his husband of 34 years, and their labradoodle Luke. You can reach him through his website www.michaeljkline.com or e-mail [email protected]
 
 
Author’s content used under license, © Claire Communications

By Michael Kline
 
At the RIM Institute, we’ve been surveying students and retreat participants for the last few years about emotional traits. I see a common thread around three issues. 1. Asking for what you need. 2. Receiving love and support from others. And 3. Setting effective boundaries.
 
Do you find yourself consistently feeling unfulfilled in a variety of relationships, not asserting yourself enough, or perhaps you have difficulty figuring out where your responsibility for someone else ends? Issues like these and others, such as perfectionism, low self-esteem, distrust, and even physical illness related to stress can indicate that you have some codependent behavior.
 
Codependency can show up in any relationship in the family, the neighborhood, at work, or anywhere else. A common example is when a loved one needs support because of an addiction, or an illness and we take care of that person at the expense of ourselves. Codependents can also attempt to control everything within a relationship, again, without addressing their own needs, thus setting us up for unfulfilling interactions and even sometimes unintentionally discouraging the loved one from seeking help.
 
We learn codependency by watching and imitating people in our family and in society who display the behavior; thus, it is often passed down from generation to generation.
 
Many of us are taught not to be assertive, for instance, or we don’t know how to ask directly for our needs to be met. Women are sometimes taught that codependent behavior is how all women should behave.
 
Since codependency is a learned emotional and behavioral condition, that means it can also be unlearned. Here are some ways to begin:

Recognize where it comes from. Many things we were taught as children set us up to become codependent. For example, sayings like: “Don’t rock the boat” teach us to be passive and keep the peace at all costs.

Begin to understand where the boundary is between yourself and other people. Although this can be confusing for the codependent at first, when you start to realize that you are not responsible for your partner’s depression or anger, for example, it will become an easier concept to grasp. You have to take care of yourself first. Remember the airline safety rule to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs? You can’t truly help someone else until you’ve taken care of your own needs.

Learn when and how to say “no.” As you become more self-reliant, you will have to learn to say “no.” That can be challenging, but understand that your no is usually expressed anyway, often through resentment. It’s empowering to say “no” when you want to. You’ll also find that standing up for your needs and expressing yourself more frequently will improve your well-being and, even, your relationships. Remember, if you never say “no”, your “yes” has no value.
The cycle of codependency can be broken as you find freedom and self-esteem in the constructive process of recovering your own voice and expressing it. In time and with practice, you won’t worry so much about what others think of you, and you won’t feel the need to control others or their response to you. Healing is possible, and it can start today.

You’ll find that it’s okay to talk openly about problems and feelings, and you won’t worry so much about others. As helpful as talking about problems and sharing feeling can be, we now know that it’s more effective to regenerate the original script we were taught.

Take June, a consultant from a large US city I recently worked with. June found herself losing sales, and felt she was responsible for her customers feelings more than for helping them resolve the problem she is trained to do. As she holds back asking the tough questions that she fears will make them uncomfortable, she is keeping them in their suffering and hurting her own sales. Through the RIM (Regenerating Images in Memory) process, June went on a metaphoric journey exploring sensations in her own body like the chronic pain in her left hip. As her imagination gives it form, colors and texture, she imagines moving into it and is surprised to find herself in a childhood memory of her mother ignoring her complaints and giving her more chores and responsibilities. After creating safety to do so, young June is able to have a dialogue with Mom, expressing her grievances and feeling listened to and heard for the first time in her life. Mom shares how sorry she is, and how she was raised in the same way. They both realize the journey they share and can now have a very different relationship. Because she regenerated the original memory, and the nervous system treats a well-imagined event as a real event, her new emotional memories change how she feels, rather than just how she thinks. Now June can more easily change her behavior, without relying on sheer will power to remember to try to think differently.

As Melody Beattie wrote in Codependent No More: “Worrying about people and problems doesn’t help. It doesn’t solve problems, it doesn’t help other people, and it doesn’t help us. It is wasted energy.”

Michael J. Kline is a Master Trainer, Retreat Leader and Firekeeper. You can often find him teaching emotional processing skills like RIM (Regenerating Images in Memory), or assisting Jack Canfield, training transformational trainers, or hosting a retreat at Con Smania in Costa Rica. Otherwise, he’s at home in Sarasota FL, with his husband of 34 years, and their labradoodle Luke. You can reach him through his website www.michaeljkline.com or e-mail [email protected]
 
Author’s content used under license, © Claire Communications

By Michael Kline
 
Check the thesaurus, and the synonyms for overwhelm are pretty awful: overpower, subdue, oppress, quash, engulf, swallow, submerge, bury, suffocate. Ugh.
 
To anyone who’s experienced overwhelm, and that’s plenty of us, those words may be all too familiar. Whether the overwhelm is sudden or cumulative, chronic or acute, the feeling is one of drowning, immobility and powerlessness.
 
During those times, everything feels too big. It’s not just everyday busyness and packed schedules. When we’re overwhelmed, making dinner becomes a monumental effort. Better eat out. Bills, housework? Forget it. Tasks that used to take only 10 or 15 minutes now seem utterly impossible. There seems to be no time for anything. So we do nothing.
 
Worse, we have no faith that this, too, shall pass. We seem hopelessly mired in the quicksand of “too much.” We keep trying to will our way out of the quicksand with a will that just wants to lie down.
 
We live in a very overwhelming time. Instant and constant news, social media and smart phone addiction, even smart watches that throw data at us about every little thing. And things are speeding up. Technology’s well-touted time saving seems to have yielded less leisure time, not more. Employers are demanding more work, while many adults are sandwiched between the needs of older and younger generations.
 
Most of us have really lost connection with nature, and with our own human nature. We’re moving so fast through our activities and alerts and instant messages and fast food, and now even our relaxation is fast – instant ways to relax quickly, use an app to calm yourself, which might be great if it wasn’t on the same smart phone that lures you into a wasted hour of tik-toks while you meant to meditate!
 
Our lives are in such fast forward that we don’t even recognize we might need help until we’re drowning. Part of the problem is the cultural belief system in place, one that overrates doing and achievement and underrates quality of experience and connection with values.
 
In that cultural mindset, it’s not uncommon for a friend or a magazine article, with all good intention, to suggest the “Nike solution”: Just do it. Make priorities. Choose three things and accomplish them quickly. Go through the mail as soon as it arrives. Do a “brain dump” and create a huge to-do list with everything that you can think of on it. Now get started! 
 
Not bad suggestions necessarily, but overcoming overwhelm isn’t really about measuring accomplishment. It’s about connecting with what has meaning for us, with what feeds and enlivens us.
 
Deciding to do more, to overcome the overwhelm of having to do more, will never us where we want to be. This future-based state of mind never ends because there will always be more to do.  Stop it!
 
Being in relationship with what has meaning, is fulfilling in the here and now. That connection provides the natural fuel for getting things done.
 
Thus, when we come into alignment with our values and needs, we find the inner resources and spaciousness needed to get on with life. Productivity is the side effect of well-being.
 
First, however, we need to identify our individual symptoms and triggers for overwhelm. Our symptoms can be physical (e.g., nail biting, clumsiness, neck ache); psychological (forgetful, rude, defensive); social (poor hygiene, inadequate boundaries); or spiritual (loss of sense of purpose, unsure of what’s important).
 
Triggers are just as individual: a deadline, a certain tone of voice, change.
 
Noticing these symptoms and triggers is like setting off the two-minute warning buzzer: time for intervention techniques. And after we’ve come back to ourselves, it’s time for prevention techniques, such as adequate rest, nutrition, exercise and, as always, connection to purpose.
 
I find that with many clients, the overwhelm feeling is rooted in some deep-seeded need to be better to be good enough. To be perfect to deserve love, or to produce more to meet the unending, insatiable desire to prove our worth as a man, as a woman, as a parent…
 
This is a human condition. You are not broken just because you feel the overwhelm. Let’s stop identifying as if we actually ARE the condition – so you are not overwhelmed, you are FEELING the overwhelm. Notice the difference. This means you can separate from overwhelm and enjoy life without that feeling in the future. If overwhelm is a frequent stressor in your life, maybe it’s time to remove it. You’d be surprised at how quickly and easily we can identify the true root cause and change it at the source. If you’re curious, you can learn how a truly transformational technique called RIM (Regenerating Images in Memory) is helping people just like you, live their best lives.
 
Michael J. Kline is a Master RIM Facilitator and Trainer, Retreat Leader and Firekeeper. You can often find him teaching RIM (Regenerating Images in Memory), or assisting Jack Canfield training transformational trainers, or hosting a retreat at Con Smania in Costa Rica. Otherwise, he’s at home in Sarasota FL, with his husband of 34 years, and their labradoodle Luke. You can reach him through his website www.michaeljkline.com or e-mail [email protected]
 
 
Author’s content used under license, © Claire Communications