Learning to Live With (and Love) Yourself

Mike at age six.

By Michael J. Kline

Sharon thinks she’d be happy if she could just change her weight, her looks and her job. Mark believes that he’s an okay guy except for certain personality traits, such as anxiety, impatience and a quick temper. Yolanda’s shelves are bulging with self-improvement books; she’s read them all, but she still hates herself.
 
Who among us doesn’t believe that with a little tweaking, we could be just right—self-realized, self-actualized and self-helped to just short of perfection? The problem is that all the books, self-improvement tips and positive affirmations don’t seem to make us any happier. Worst of all, the minute we “fix” one ugly piece of ourselves, another nasty monster rears its head and starts screaming for attention.
 
When does self-help become self-hell? What would happen if we simply started by realizing how wonderful we already are?
 
“Believing that something is wrong with us is a deep and tenacious suffering,” writes Tara Brach, in her book, Radical Acceptance. “The more we anxiously tell ourselves stories about how we might fail or what is wrong with us or with others, the more we deepen the grooves—the neural pathways—that generate feelings of deficiency.” She lists common ways people try to manage this pain of inadequacy:
 
•  Tackling one self-improvement project after another.
 
•  Holding back and playing safe rather than risking failure.
 
•  Withdrawing from our experience of the present moment.
 
•  Keeping busy.
 
•  Being our own worst critics.
 
•  Focusing on other people’s faults.
 
 “Convinced that we are not good enough, we can never relax,” Brach writes. “We stay on guard, monitoring ourselves for shortcomings. When we inevitably find them, we feel even more insecure and undeserving. We have to try even harder.”
 
Accepting ourselves does not mean self-indulgence or being passive. Rather it means turning off the shameful, negative, self-loathing tapes within ourselves and just relaxing.
 
The blaring voices of our culture certainly don’t help, with promises that buying something, owning something, achieving something will make us better people, that success is measured by looks, wealth or possessions. A healthier life finds deeper meaning and greater satisfaction in self-love, compassion, intuition, taking responsibility and forgiveness (particularly of ourselves).
 
Sometimes it is our so-called faults that can actually lead us to a healthier life. Pioneering psychologist Carl Jung called it our “shadow side,” that part in all of us we are ashamed of and that we often reject. Understanding and accepting that shadow side can lead to enormous freedom and self-acceptance.
 
In the end, all the energy we put out to change ourselves may just take us back to where we started—to ourselves. And if we can truly accept ourselves as we are, that’s the best place to be.
 
Seven Ideas to Improve your Self Love 

1. Mirror work – You can look online to find lots of ways to do this - some simple, some more complex, some naked, some not – here’s all I do: Make eye contact with the mirror – address yourself by name and congratulate yourself in any way that feels right for you, for all the good things done today. Anything and everything. Just the positives - no “that coulda been better” crap - you’re not your parents! Add in any disciplines you kept – You refused the second glass of wine, and you got your steps in… whatever.  And end with a simple “I love you”. If that’s hard, pretend it’s just words and do it anyway, even if it feels weird or judged or impossible. Try this every night for a month and watch it change your life.
2. Picture of your child self – when I thought of my childhood, I felt shame and embarrassment. I never thought of myself as being particularly lovable. Now I have a picture of my 6 year old self on my desk and I give him a little love every time I see it. Of course you were lovable!  Every child is, and that includes you and me.
3. Surround yourself with more positive people – It’s said you’re the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with. I know I have chameleon qualities and can easily let myself get caught up in negativity. Wherever you can, choose better friends/job/family/church/community. Just know that the part of the negativity that is yours, will still be there after you move somewhere new.
4. Gratitude Journal – Nothing raises your vibration more quickly or easily than a state of gratitude. What are you grateful for today? Reflect on all the blessings you have as you go to sleep. And have a better sleep as an extra bonus.
5. Pretend meditate – most people I talk to say they can’t meditate. So pretend. Sit still, be quiet. How hard can it be? I sat in a ten-day silent meditation retreat, where I spent many hours beating myself up for thinking and then beating myself up for beating myself up. I learned to welcome the thoughts that come in. Just thank them for being so helpful in life – we love our thinking brain. Just notice the thoughts come, and notice them leave then notice them sneak back in – aren’t they cute, how they do that?!
6. Love your faults – I get lost in strategic thinking when I want to be more in flow and creativity. As a child, strategic thinking and navigating rough waters was how I survived. It was a gift, that still works in business to a point. Like any strength, when exaggerated, it gets in the way. It can destroy relationships, remove feelings and compassion, and even stop creative new ideas from emerging. I have learned to celebrate the gift and remind it to take a back seat. Then I close my eyes and allow spirit/energy to flow and approach life from a different, wiser place. What characteristics and gifts did you create a long time ago that now get in the way?
7. Change your emotional past – most psychologists say you can’t change your past. They mean well, they just haven’t learned all that’s possible thanks to new discoveries in neuroplasticity. The nervous system allows us to regenerate new emotional memories and change the fear-based learning of the past. This is the core of the work we do, teach and study at the RIM Institute. (RIM: Regenerating Images in Memory).

 
Author’s content used under license, © Claire Communication

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