Transforming from “Not Enough”
The best education for me has always been experience. And with over fifty years of experience feeling “not enough,” I think I’ve had enough of not‑enough‑ness.
What astonishes me now is the quiet, humble relief of being the amazing, powerful, beautiful, magnificent, and perfectly human man that I am. Yes, I said that with great humility.
“Not enough” as an ego position
Contrary to what I used to believe, I’ve come to see that living in “not enoughness” is actually a very egoic position.
To be less‑than, or not enough, is to create separation from the magnificence we were born to be. I know we were each created perfectly. At some point, we separated from that sense of perfection.
If we look through a spiritual or even quantum lens, we’re reminded that in the deeper field, we’re all connected. It’s not just a nice idea that we are all one. So to experience ourselves as “not enough” is to experience ourselves as separate from all that is, from our own inherent worth, and from whatever word you use for the Sacred/Source/God/Intelligence of Life/Universe.
The thing is we’re not actually separate. That is impossible. No wonder I suffered so much!
For me, growing up Catholic in Ohio, I thought God was a jealous, demanding, needy old guy judging me from his magical place above the clouds, somewhere over Cleveland. I was taught to kneel before that power. To be less than. To accept my low place as a sinner at birth.
My default destiny was eternity in hell unless I somehow earned my way to heaven - which, by the way, was impossible for a gay boy, according to what I learned. I was taught that humiliation was the same thing as humility. I was taught to think of myself as separate.
I don’t blame my parents, preachers and teachers, I’m just saying that’s what my nervous system and belief system absorbed. It’s been over forty years since I left the church. I’ve come to love and appreciate many things about it, and I also continue to grow and learn differently.
A new understanding of humility
What I know now—as best as I can know anything, is that humility is not about shrinking or shaming yourself. Humility is giving up the concept of being separate. It’s trusting Spirit enough to know that I can safely surrender my compulsive need to prove that I am enough.
When we look at basic models of human needs, like Maslow’s hierarchy and later the Barrett Values Model, we see that our foundational level of needs is about having enough safety, money, health, etc. Next, we need to feel loved enough. Only then do we start paying attention to being “enough” in our third level of needs.
Our continuing evolution—through transformation into alignment, collaboration, and contribution, requires us to have enough of the basics to trust that we’re okay. When we don’t have enough to survive, it’s hard to believe we are enough in any way, shape, or form. So only when we know we are enough do we feel safe enough to surrender into not having to constantly chase being enough.
We are, in a deeper sense, already everything. (Don’t say that out loud in front of Sister Veronica of my childhood it won’t end well for you).
It takes humility to let go of being a separate special entity who is capable of not being enough. Only with the strength of this humility can we be one with everything, incapable of being anything less. The ultimate ego trip is to think you are so special that you alone are “not enough.”
You are.
What would it be like to accept that? You are enough whether you like it or not. Whether it feels comfortable, scary, exhilarating, freeing, or something else doesn’t change the truth. We are all enough.
And yes, I understand we have life experiences that convince us otherwise. Maybe it’s time to update those experiences - emotionally, in the way your body holds them - and adapt new thoughts that match your true enough‑ness. That is humility, not ego.
Ocean, fire, and the truth of what you are
Imagine taking a drop of water from the ocean and holding it in the palm of your hand. It would be correct to say this is ocean, right?
If the drop could speak, it could accurately say, “I am ocean.” It is not the entire ocean. It is no less than any other drop of ocean. It does not report to more powerful drops deep in the sea. It does not compare itself to prettier, smarter, or stronger drops. It just is.
My preferred metaphor, the one that showed up for me consistently for about six years before I finally set aside my fear and embraced it, is Fire. I am Fire.
I am not all Fire, and yet I am one with the essence of Fire. I need tending to and fuel, and I will eventually die. I can be extinguished.
I am powerful. I can be destructive. I can provide safety, protection, and warmth.
I can be the neutral witness to what wants to be shared, without judgment or reaction. I can receive and transform/transmute whatever wants to be given to me in the spirit of surrendering to the energy of the Fire.
I am all of that. I do not need to compare myself to the smoldering cigarette butt on the side of the road or to the sun.
I just am, and I am all I need to be.
Your metaphor, your enough‑ness
If you were to choose a metaphor, what beautiful, powerful, glorious (and maybe even a little scary) metaphor would you choose to represent you, or who you are becoming?
You are not your “not enough” story. That story was something you learned. It can also be something you unlearn, gently and with support.
If you’d like to explore how to change the emotional impact of the past and begin living from your true enough‑ness, I’d be honored to have that conversation with you.
You can book a free phone date or consultation, and together we can begin to discover who you are way beyond “not enough.” If you'd like to learn more about RIM (Regenerating Images in Memory), which is the primary modality I use to help client's transform their enoughness, click here.